I make plans and then something unexpected happens and I have to make it up as I go… plans are necessary but they can only act as a guide… an outline if you will…. Then I need to fill in the blanks….
Sometimes I have issues moving on from something.. something that bothered me.. something someone said or did…. Something that has me troubled…. something I am truly finished with.... And I finally realized why…… oh sometimes it takes one little thing to make me see that the fog lifted along time ago but I didn’t let it go…. I was hanging onto an ending… reliving it over and over.. the pain around it… the feelings of sorrow around it…I had not given myself the appropriate time to digest all of it.... not properly...
How do you know when you are done? I mean really done…. When you keep bringing up feelings of shame and guilt… and really not allowing yourself to move past…wondering why the path you chose is stuck... not understanding that you are the one stuck… you are causing the standstill…. Because you are hanging onto the ending... the pain... the sorrow… the moment it ended…
I will be honest with you… I didn’t get this either….I was done with something that had been such a powerful part of my life and because I hung on way past its sell by date… I became bitter, resentful and done... and I was angry - projecting it everywhere in my life... and not getting it... not letting it happen and letting it go... I was fighting everything inside and outside of me... trying to hang onto what... what was not making me happy... what was physically and mentally draining me... and what happens.. Physical things... when you are not paying attention the Mack truck broadsides you big time...
Then lets talk guilt... oh ya… the guilt... living it over and over... because we are letting others down... I know that I am a big giver... that I would give away everything to help someone else or I would give up all my energy so that someone else can have it.. and I didn’t see how much I was doing that.. and how it was affecting me mentally and physically...and when I couldn't do it anymore... I felt guilty and did it anyway... and guess who suffered for it...
It’s like the weight thing for me… I have to lose 65lbs now (well actually 59 cause I just lost 6 on my new plan...) I think I am finally getting it... I have spent so much of my life obsessing about it but at the same time trying hard not to think about it... I spent most of my life depriving my body by skipping meals and pretending I was a machine that didn’t need to eat….. look at me superhuman energizer bunny who could live on air or coffee whichever was available at the time...
At the same time I was embarrassed about the fact that I like it... I didn’t want to put emphasis on food which in turn does the opposite.... I didn’t want people to know I ate (its like pooping for some women... lets not let anyone know we poop….hey going to do a blog about this one for sure...) because then they would know I am not perfect… not that you can’t see it in my clothes…
I have come to the conclusion that it’s all ok... I eat, I poop, I make mistakes, I make choices that others may not like, and guilt and shame have no place in my day… I have to go forward and let it happen… letting go of hanging onto those endings that no longer fit into my life… or the ones that just need to happen… the end of a position, the end of the extra weight, the end of some relationships and a focus on new beginnings… new starts…. New joys…. Yup…. Letting it be…
I urge you to discover what endings you are hanging onto… ask yourself why… look deep into the heart of why you hang onto the sorrow instead of the memories before the ending… meditate with it… and then allow yourself to let it happen… fall into it and let it be… like the song said “What will be will be……”
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