WHAT IF? What if this moment in time was frozen... suspended like the movie the Matrix.... what if you could do that anytime you wanted?????
What if we could go back and "do over" mistakes we have made that cost us money, friendships, hardships or other things we regret.... What if you could turn back time to a younger more fit you...... What if you could go to a time when your children were young and sleeping in their beds safe and sound under your wing.......a place where you didn't rush the bedtime story to go do the dishes... a place where you could smell their hair, lay beside them listening to their delight over the simplest little thing.. the sound of their giggle... their dreams... and you were not tired from a day of doing too much and having to fit it all in....
What if life was like a bowl of cherries or a box of chocolates or just like the game of golf... when you play with friends and can "do over" your shot...
Was there a time in your life when you recall being.... just happy..... happy, fulfilled, satisfied.... you had everything you needed, all that you wanted, money was not an issue..... life was sweet......
I have spent my life chasing.... chasing what? Chasing everything..... This morning it occurred to me that my life has been a hurry up and wait sometimes and a hurry up, get done and move onto the next thing... quickly... please make it quick... snap to it.... I also learned how to do things well, perfect in fact while I worked quickly..... I do believe we are born with certain talents, aptitudes and abilities that need to be molded and brought out of us..... I became so good at working at warp speed that looking back over the last 30 years is a blur.... there were highlights but alas.... they went so fast I can only see a flash...
Is that what a memory is... a flash... does my 97 year old grandmother see flashes or does she remember in colour... does she remember all the times when my grandfather wanted her to go for a walk but she had to clean the house, do the laundry, do the cooking, look after her brother who lived there...... the times when he sat in the car and sulked because he wanted her to go to the CNE or for an easy Sunday drive for ice cream and she was just too busy..... and now that he is gone... 39 years ago does she think.... I should have... oh if I could just go back and "do over" those times, I would have spent every single minute enjoying him and my family........
I realized today that I can't go back and "do over" however I can go forward and make certain that when I am 97, God willing I will live a long and healthy life... I won't look over the next 49 years and wish I could "do over" because I lived them.... every single moment... not wished them away to hurry up and get to that thing I have been waiting for, planning and living in that future moment instead of living each and every one up to it... it's the moments in between that also create memories......in colourful splendor.... opening up like the flowers in my garden.... slowly.. like the Matrix.... each movement unfolding.....
If I learned nothing over the last 7 months... it's to be in this moment fully... OK I am human.. I forget... sometimes I allow myself to over-schedule, run at warp speed from one thing to another... life in my before Tina... where I get one thing done and quickly clap my hands, don't stay too long in the joy and move onto the next... yes of course old habits die hard and truth is..... sometimes the need for that will prevail.... but.... big but.... when it comes to sitting outside enjoying my garden, my dog, my Ossie in all his male glory... I don't want any "do overs"..I want to enjoy this incredible moment now.... I choose to be in the colourful moment so that I will look back and remember it just as it was... simply and lovely.....
Oh and.... the happiest time of my life is right here and right now... I have amazing moments in the past too however.... right now this moment... I am delighted to have the awareness now to just enjoy it.. the bumblebee outside my window... hovering as if suspended.... my cat sitting in front of the window like a statue watching the bee... the clematis vine with buds about to burst.... the gentle warm breeze flowing through my window.... the dog wandering around with his nails clicking on the floor.... Ossie with all his morning noises, even he first coffee slurps... my little table that my laptop sits on squeaks as I type....the taste of my coffee..... how simply lovely...
Just happy.....
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