I had a huge revelation yesterday.... about myself..... since this whole journey began I have been discovering new things about myself every single day..... how can you learn new things about a person you have lived with for 47.5 years??? namely the one that looks back at you from the mirror..... well it's true.. it's exciting and almost like meeting this amazing woman for the first time in so many ways... oh I have known her my entire life but she is somehow evolving, transforming and emerging from the shadows of hiding from herself.....
My attraction to butterflies is no mistake right now... butterflies go through a metamorphosis... and even though they are beautiful I have never been attracted to them... not even as a young girl... In January we visited a butterfly farm in Costa Rica and learned about their life... their beauty is one part of admiring them but their journey is the part that mesmerizes me..... I am drawn to it... I now understand why...
My heart believes when you go through something, anything, it changes your life.... changes who are you in that instant... an experience teaches us, leaves us with scars and memories that were not there before... this is a beautiful thing... even in the wake of tragedy there is something changed and you are forever changed..... something new is rebuilt and you learn all over again.....
In my opinion our world changed dramatically with the women's liberation movement... much for the better for the lives of women (being one.... I believe this to be true). Women deserve equality in everything.... this I do believe... women have the right to choose what they want their life to be, to be free, to be safe, to do whatever they want in life.... no different then men... we deserve it all............... and........ we have the babies..... yes... now I also believe that men deserve the same.... on equal ground, equal playing field... no differences.... they have the right to choose what their life is to be like, to be safe, to be free to do whatever they want in life..... they deserve it as well....
What I feel strongly about.. is that the family collapsed in our society with this movement.... and the gender roles became skewed.... no longer did mom stay home and care for the babies and dad go to work and provide... what else do we have to by except our history.... our innate gender roles.... that of a woman to nurture and that of a man to hunt and provide??? ahhhh but it changes....
Is this better??? Has this made our society stronger or confused the entire situation in the civilized world? My opinion may cause radical debate from either side however I know this to be true.... the breakdown of the family came from somewhere... even with it's incredible dysfunctions from the past (shhhhhh we don't want to talk about that... what would the neighbours think....) there was a unit....... a place where you sat down to dinner with your parents, grandparents, siblings... and now in many cases a TV dinner is always easy and ready to reheat when mom and dad are both working and you get home from school... to an empty house.......
How about the fact that more women are taking on a masculine role and leaving behind much of their femininity... (not talking about wearing a skirt and heels here) as they get more comfortable being in their masculine hunting, providing, ruling, making big decisions, taking on the world the feminine part of them hides, buried inside them... poking out now and then to kiss the boo boo.... slip into a sexy number to slide into bed beside their partner once a week (once a month?) .... the big one... to take care of themselves......
Yesterday, I was blessed to attend Amazing Woman's Day and I came away with this.... I have lived much of my life in my masculine energy.... ever since I was a little girl... I have been taught that I could do anything, be anything and more I was ushered into the masculine world - taught how to hold a shotgun, shoot a gun to hit a bulls eye, win competitions at school, study hard, do laundry, make decisions, work, dig the garden, shovel the snow, hold a hammer.... all the things that could be considered masculine.... and taught that I can do anything... and I had every doll and Barbie doll you can think of.... I played house, I cooked in my Suzy Homemaker oven, I played dress up with my mom's clothes and high heels, I put on plays, sang and danced for my extended family, I did girlie things too......
I am amazing, intelligent and that whatever I want to do and be... I can... so it was natural for me to be the decision maker in my marriage....natural for me to make the decisions about the kids, what we ate, when we ate, where we lived and so on.....cook, clean, bathe my babies and so on.... and work outside the home.... that was a given............. an absolute must for me... I remember one argument with my then boyfriend (before the 22 year marriage ensued) standing in his driveway as I was to get into my car... about the fact that I planned on working full time once we were married.... he didn't like that idea, he had a mother that went to work full time and that was not something he wanted me to do.... he wanted to have babies ( I already had one from a previous blip.. oh sorry I meant marriage....) and my son was fine, good boy and was OK.... so why couldn't I have more and work and have it all.... wow that was the argument that nearly broke us up.. but I won.... I got him to see my way.... I was so in my masculine energy right then and there and set the tone for the entire marriage......
In my new relationship I have been doing the same.... and what I believe now.... what I see so clearly..... and because I believe in reasons for everything... and because I believe the transformation I am going through is absolutely necessary for the next phase of my life....I was given cervical cancer at 26 (my most female parts) as a wake up at that point.... and now with the breast lump... benign yes... sign, gift... a wake up call - oh yes!!!! Time for me to live more deeply in my feminine and allow a balance to happen between both energies that live within me...
Balance is the key... but it starts within ourselves... how do I do that... I think most of us believe it to be something we will find outside of ourselves... by working less and playing more... nope I don't believe that... it is within us completely... if you care for yourself more, you will naturally fall into a more balanced way of being... working less and living more will be a natural progression... not in anger, resentment or an extreme need to win... but an ease that comes with being in balance within our own selves which is our own lives......
Well, I am going to give it a shot.... not doing more dishes, more cleaning or cooking... no indeed that's not the feminine inside of me.. that's what society says is feminine... I will do my share but I will not be the perceived feminine housewife of yesterday.......... I will spend more time, taking care of me......... meditating, yoga, time alone to write, exercising my creative muscles more.... putting myself completely first.... getting in touch with the nurturer inside of me to nurture me..... to use the compassion that I feel inside to care for myself first..... and then and only then can I give it away....
Everyone talks about finding balance in their life...it absolutely must come from inside first.... being comfortable in our gender... not so much our roles as that exists outside of us... but in who we are at our core... the feminine and masculine energies inside of us being in harmony... in balance.... I was born a girl and I am a woman and as an intelligent being searching for that balance I will start within myself and for myself and that is how I will be the change in our world...
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