Yesterday, I started to feel stressed and overwhelmed again... what is that??? Are you crazy.... 6 weeks to the day of your surgery and you are allowing this... what the hell are you thinking...... this is unacceptable..... the rhetoric in my head or that I am allowing myself to fall right back into old patterns of booking myself up?
Yes and Yes!!! I am quickly falling into old patterns... just add this one little thing.. and this event.... this meeting... it is only a meeting.... it's only for a few hours.... adding this and that because it's not much...... trying to be all and shove everything into one day and every day..... I absolutely have some obligations that must be taken care of this week and then there are others that I just keep piling on.......when I think about it.... do not have to be a focus for me at all....
The revelation came this morning when I realized that I was yet again allowing work things to come before health things... look at this sunshine and milder weather.... the perfect opportunity to go for a walk... as was yesterday.... did I take advantage... nope..... today.... what of today..... what is my main priority in my life.... work.... NO damn it... that was the old way of living.... what now? Well................ now is supposed to be health first..... which includes exercise, time to breathe and no guilt over choosing me over work.... right????
When someone else tells me I have alot of my plate, I may agree but truth is I don't agree.... because this is my norm, I don't think it.... but.... have to tell you... today I feel it... I feel weighed down right now... maybe because I am trying to pile it all back on at once.... I am feeling stronger and able to handle more things so why not just take it all back...... then there is the guilt part of it... why in the hell do I feel responsible for the entire world's well being, all the jobs on the planet (well at least the many in my life and work)......maybe that is why I can't drop this bloody weight... not to mention that no exercise thing right????
Hey wait a minute......hmmm I have something there.... so all of this "stuff" I feel I have to do, be and take responsibility for is too heavy..... for some reason I feel it's my duty to do this..... I feel guilty if I don't..... hmmm and the weight thing... is that part of it... because I am falling back into the same patterns so quickly maybe emotionally I think I deserve this weight too... hmmm maybe if I could get past all this stuff for once and for all I can shed this weight???? hmmmmm.........
Ok... well then.... I told Ossie this morning there are things that I have said yes to that I really mean NO!!! So now what... I can't just go back and say No can I??? Wouldn't that be wrong, rude, letting others down..... well here is the truth.... it will let me down and that is way more important...
I have some very important things that I agreed to and I will work on those.... the other "stuff" can just wait.... I am in control today.... and I choose peace and flow.... I will take a walk today because my health is a priority on my list.... I will work on the important documents that I promised for this week at a reasonable pace because that is all I can do.... hurry up and run your ass off results in stress, worry and not doing the best you can do... I will trust in what I can do today and not try and be all to everyone else.... that is what I can and will do....
Old habits and patterns will creep back in unless you give them a proper burial... I mean that unless you are truly ready to give them up, give them away or simply recognize that it's not up to you to save the world..... they will return... like a bad smell... it just doesn't go away unless you clean it up...... Removing the real reasons, getting to the root of the anxiety, understanding your need for it, why you feel you are obligated or responsible... what is the situation around it... can you remove habits that are associated with it first to get to the cause and lastly why do you insist on reliving it over and over..... it must be serving you somehow...
If we could see our life from the back end first, looking backwards what will we choose to spend time on and what will we never give another thought or even bother to include in our lives.....
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