I have repeatedly read that you have to empty closets to make room for what you want in your life....if its full of old..... that if there is no space you can't invite new in.... is this a metaphor or truth????
If you are hanging on to history living in the past how do you step into the moment and make new memories..... if you hate your job and just plug away every day how do you expect to find a new one..... if you have a great big dream but... put blocks in the way because you think you can't start it for whatever reason how do you make the first move........ If you continue with something out of obligation and guilt how are you serving what you really want in your life... If you keep buying clothes that fit, how do you get uncomfortable and lose that weight?
It's so easy to get stuck.. indeed being stuck can make you uncomfortable and you may not even realize how much you really are until you move past it... in fact we make ourselves comfortable in it and the truth is that the fear of what lies on the other side is really that uncomfortable that we stay still..... don't move because you might change things, life as I know it will be forever different and I can't go back... once I make a decision, a real decision my landscape will look different, I will have different terrain to explore, boulders to move, new mountains to climb....... what if I don't like it once I get there can I turn around and reclaim the old ways, my old life........ can I???
I believe we can go back..... but..... is it really wise.... is it just comfort... what we already know.... many times when I have made a big change in my life its definitely not the easy road.... it gets tough... and when it gets hard my first reaction is to go back... do things the way I did them before... after 22 years my marriage was over..... I went back with my ex-husband because it was familiar and safe... was it right, was it different, was it better - absolutely not..... I invited the same crap that was there in the first place... the same uncomfortable comfort...
I have told myself that the devil I know is better then the one I don't many times..... I actually gained comfort out of the words as I talked myself into staying put in the exact moment that I really wanted to run as fast as my size 7 stilettos could carry me... the big however....... having experienced both sides I know in my heart that the exhilaration, liberation and feeling of pure joy lives on the other side and is much better then being uncomfortably comfortably numb any day!
I am doing it right now.... I am afraid.... I am torturing myself with decisions to let go, to move on, to step into the light of my big hairy dreams and just get them done..... I don't know which way to go.... I have one foot on one side of the fence firmly planted and defiantly stuck in the mud..... I have one foot tippy toeing in a beautiful crystal blue pool of freezing cold water teasing me, taunting me, calling me.... promising warmth and comfort once you get used to it..... I know what I should be doing (obligation and guilt keep me hanging on)..... I know what I want to do (walking meditations interrupt my day with visions of the finished project).... I know what I can do (been there before and can make anything successful).... but how will I choose....
I question my own intuition and abilities because I don't particularly trust them for some unknown reason.. I allow others to override mine... when in fact I know how strong mine really are... when I clear away the junk I can hear my inner voice, intuition or whatever you want to call it speaking... telling me what is right... what I should do... and although everyone around me is entitled to their opinion - it's mine that really counts isn't it???
So, for fun I had a numerology report and reading done....hmmmm was it for fun or was it for hope.... I was freaked out about this one... and please no disrespect intended here... it was pretty cool really and not what I expected.... she was dead on with a few things and then there was the big one....... I didn't give her any information about anything.... but she told me......that I was ending something this year, something big in my life and I was taking a long time to do it... agonizing over the decision.... should I stay or should I go... she told me that regardless of what I decided it would end......it could without much trouble or it could result in a very important friendship being lost... it was up to me...
Now I ponder...... is this really about trusting someone else to validate what I know or is it me looking for ways to hang in and hang on by the skin of teeth... ok ok its that damn fear again... what does it look like on the other side... and here it is - the biggie.... what can the new Tina handle.... truth time..... she can't handle all she did before... she knows that now... she is on a different path right now... one that needs much down time, much attention to her health, much awareness of when she is becoming overwhelmed and stressed, much use of the word "no" not being able to take on the world when asked....... much testing the waters to see what fits and what doesn't and much enthusiasm, time and energy into her great big dream......
What I know for sure which at this point is a funny thing for me to say... is that come sooner or later decisions need to be made in order for me to get my foot out of the mud, immerse myself in that cold water and allow it to get as warm as it can and as comfortable as possible.... listen to my intuition and great big intelligence as it speaks to me - heart and mind all together now... stop fighting what I know I want to do and get off my ass and do it!!!
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