What do people expect of you and from you???? Do you measure up to their expectations???? Do you feel guilty if you don't.... do you feel it's your duty to make sure that you are everything and more because if not, then you are worth little or nothing.... in their eyes..... in your own eyes or in your heart..... do you feel deserving if you don't measure up to their expectations? Do you have extremely high expectations of yourself and above all else you will meet them.... and when you don't.... well there is hell to pay in the mirror!
Yup...... up until a few months ago this was me.... ok the truth is out.... I have struggled with this my entire life..... even though all the books, workshops and coaches in my life teach me differently.... The last few days, it has really been present in my life and tested me as to how I now deal with this....... do I really still feel this way??
Nothing like a real live health scare to awaken your entire self physically, emotionally and mentally to the truth of your existence...... that you are here as an individual, you are here with your own path, purpose and reasons.... what you have either set up in the face of others that resulted in their expectations is unnecessary and worse...... a cage that you are in......
The old Tina would have gotten her back up, become resentful and angry but........................ even though she would have been defiant she would have gone overboard to ensure it was done, but wait.......not just done.....done better and faster then anyone could have imagined it...... and her badge of honour.... well that would be boldly displayed as she sat with her shoulders back with a smug look on her face and a snide remark zinged at the person responsible for making her feel this way...... all the while she would have been thinking about the person, the much too high expectations and that she will show them!!!
Now, during this crazy time, the insane rhetoric that would go on in her mind would be frantically trying to reason with herself that she is ok, good, even better then what they think...... just like the devil and angel sitting on opposite shoulders her mind would do the same to her.... (told you I was on the edge of insanity)
I would be desperately trying to please that person, exceed their expectations because their opinion of me was my judgement of myself..... in my mind..... I would guess and predict what their opinion of me was......I gaged my worth on their expectations, their approval, their disapproval, whether the job was done well.... not just done to best of my ability but to theirs..... and how I thought they would perceive me after..... oh yes.... does this make them like me now... am I worthy of their attention and time......
Killing myself, mentally and physically to please others.... because this makes me worthy........ it makes it allowable for me to be present... I earned my keep..... mistakes...OMG don't let that happen.... and when they do.... hide.... that can't be.... what kind of person are you.... you should have known better.... and so on...
The Word "No" could not exist without a "sorry" to go with it.... today, I ponder.... am I really sorry I can't do it.... no, not really.... I am liberated.... because I am choosing what I need to do or be and ultimately really want......
This last 4 months has taught me this...... I am truly worthy of my attention.......... undivided in fact..... not in a way that when I think of how I deserve it, I feel resentful and want to fight for my rights.... not at all... but in a way of knowing that the time has come for me to put my health, well being and yes... my fragile sanity... in a precious velvet lined box, protected with a solid casing tied up with a lovely pink bow.. (pink for my healing and joy) fully comprehending it's fragility, understanding with my entire heart and being that at any moment it can drop... and who on earth will pick up the pieces...... who is truly responsible for it...... who can prevent, take precautions and say no........ who at the end of the day can make you feel less then worthy of it..... whose hands can it slip so easily out of........ who..... the answer is obvious intellectually but from the heart do you believe it??? Yes.... I most certainly do......
On this day, I pledge allegiance and take an oath to myself, the person staring at me from my mirror, in front you dear mortal friend with my hand over my heart and to my maker.... that I, Tina Lee Dezsi being of sound mind and body (matter of opinion... mine of course) do solemnly swear that I will take a breath every time I feel pressured to measure up to your expectations and the time needed to decide if that twinge is just old reflexes or truly worthy of my attention......... I will forsake all others needs and desires when it conflicts with my good sense and goes against my needs, desires and health....... I will be faithful to my physical, emotional and mental health putting this first in everything I do.... treating my body as a temple.... live fully in the present, day by day in prevention mode........ I will seek to out new opportunities to live simply while I fulfil what I believe to be my innate purpose here on this planet..... I will share what I feel I can and that which I feel necessary with you and nothing more....... I will feed myself well..... body, mind and soul..... and I will live my life the best I can... loving more then I have to, with my heart wide open ready to receive as well.... and lastly dear ones....... I will say the word no in a sentence without the word sorry attached and be ok with it........
This is now my new daily prayer, my pledge to myself.... when I take care of me... my world is a better place... when I am at peace, my world is simple around me.... and a hush falls over the voice in my head that tells me "I should"...........
Beautifully said Tina! Congratulations!
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