There are people who can go to bed at night..... snore their head off and sleep.... and sleep..... so how come I can't do that! I toss and turn, and every time I do... I wake up... when I roll over which is about every 30 minutes maybe less.... I wake up... I get so uncomfortable I can't stay still.... my left leg goes numb..... my neck and shoulders hurt.... my hips hurt...... I wake up go to the washroom and then need an hour or more to get back to sleep......
I bought a king size bed because my arm has to be straight out..... I bought a pillow from the chiropractor (a rock) that is measured for the height of my shoulder.... I bought another one that is full of these little air bubbles and so my arm is in a different position..... I bought another one that is memory foam which chips around it (a solid rock)...... I have purchased 10 others that end up between my knees, I hug them or they are stuffed permanently into shams...... I sleep with ear plugs to drown out the snoring..... I get hot so off goes the covers... I get cold so back on they go.... the pup lays up against me and I get hot.... I have a salt lamp going in the room all day.... at night it is pitch black in the room, the door is shut to keep the cats out (who I thought were disturbing me even more), the window is cracked open ever so slightly..... I take melatonin or Valerian root every single night...... no caffeine touches these lips past 2pm (truth is since paying attention to my health... no caffeine at all) and yes I have read every single sleep article I can get my hands on....
About 4 years ago, exhausted and pissed off at my lack of sleep.......I bought a new king size bed... shopped and shopped....laying on so many mattresses in the store and chose what was supposed to be the best in the store.... it's the "luxury" model... the mattress is about 17inches thick... so buying sheets isn't easy.... and.................. it came at a whopping luxury price too of $5000...... since the day it was delivered... I have not had a good nights sleep... I had them come back and exchange the mattress for a new one (thinking it was that one), I have spent much more on mattress toppers to make it comfy...... on feather beds..... which makes me have to step on a stool to get on... to see the clock, I look over and down..... I have purchased lovely bed clothes with tons of decorator pillows to fool myself that the bed looks inviting............... and still I enjoy no peaceful sleep.....
OK, I am done........... done............ done...... I surrender to the fact that I need a new mattress.... that this one is not ever going to change..... what in the world makes me think that I can change it by adding to it, by somehow making it prettier on the outside.... when in reality.......... no matter what I do it is exactly what it is on the inside... no pretending anymore or making excuses....... what is is....
It struck me then.... and drove home that I have the ability to change myself.....from the inside out... but..... I can't change anything or anyone else...... hmmmm..... I can't make them into anything they are not..... I can pretend............ I can do whatever I think will help but.... standing back eyes wide open.... I realize that the bed is a metaphor in my life..... acceptance.... settling for making myself uncomfortable appears to be OK..... hmmmm
It all rings true to me right here and now.... my physical health, emotional health, my bed, my life..... what I accept into my life and settle for and what I pretend to be OK with.... what I ignore and don't want to discuss, what I don't do because it will upset someone else, what I do do with a knowing that it will not rock any boats......
Is it all this metamorphosis that I am going through... like a lovely butterfly coming out of a cocoon (gee a butterfly doesn't take almost 48 years) am I ready to do all of this.... to remove the things in my life that make me uncomfortable somehow.... I do believe it's all part of this new focus and it's just time I got real!!!!
Hi Tina - wonderful to come to that awareness! In the Mindfulness practice that I teach, which is based on Buddhist philosophy, non-acceptance is considered to be at the heart of human suffering - wanting things to be different than what they are. Your next step might be to pay attention so that you really become aware of how frequently your thoughts involve wanting things to be different than what they are, which just creates more and more tension in your body from being in that state of non-acceptance. Then, just allowing things to be as they are, learning to tolerate this a bit at a time, cause it takes practice after years and years of doing the opposite. Even if you are not able to sleep, stop laying there telling yourself you should be asleep!!! Get up and do something until you are tired. Acceptance doesn't mean you have to lay down and resign yourself to being powerless. It actually allows you to see things more clearly so that you can take wise action when necessary. So take all those creative and sometimes disturbing thoughts that are going around and around in your head and write them down so you know you won't forget them and you can come back to them in the morning. Or take action on them if you need to. Expend this energy outward so you are are not trying to contain it inward. As you know, energy does not die, and if you are trying to restrict your creative energy through thoughts that say "it shouldn't be happening right now", it just goes inward. Sheesh, knowing you, I am not surprised you can't sleep!!! Simply stop telling yourself you should be asleep because its the appropriate time to be asleep, because some man-made time measuring mechanism tells us so! Listen to your body and go with your flow, baby, even if the rest of the world is recharging theirs.
ReplyDeleteLove you! Keep on rocking