#337 these lovelies came away on the cruise... they are a lovely pewter colour with strips of silver sequins..... I bought them and wore them once for the POWE Mardi Gras night before a conference.... I remember then how I loved them and how they hurt my feet.....
As I pulled them out of the closet, I was thinking how they hurt and how this time... one more time I would try to wear them and see if something had changed... ya right... 30 maybe 40lbs more.. I dont know... somehow magically these fat little swollen feet are gonna fit in differently, I even put new heel pads on.. cause you know they may scrape there and lets be prepared... put in new cushions so that as I walk I am at least walking on little pillows of air... not that my toes jammed into the ends would feel any better.. but.... lets give it one more try...
Brought the matching purse, the jewelry.. the lovely black dress... put it all on and saved the shoes for last.. looking down at the 2 swollen hunks of meat that I know are my feet cause of the pink nail polish... thinking ok I can do it... I can do it... come on this will be our going away last night.... I slide one foot in... who am I kidding... I jam in the right one.. ouch.. squish.. pinch... then I jam in the left one... OMG this hurts worse then childbirth... why in the hell would anyone do this.. why in the hell have I spent my life wearing shoes that pinch and squeeze... vanity dear girl... vanity..... I am pathetic when it comes to shoes and what I think I should look like...
Times they be a changin.... so dear Julia..... she tried them on and guess what.. they fit... they are hers.. she wont let them get to the Stilettos for the cure... oh so many shoes so little time..... Are you kidding I am just beginning... truth is I will not wear old lady shoes... I will forever wear high heels... I told Ossie, If something should happen to me... promise me... you will dress me in the nicest black outfit you can find, wearing all my jewerly... yes all of it..... make sure every finger has a ring on it.... earrings... oh yes.. the sexiest ones you can find... and bury me with a designer bag... lastly ensure that you can see my feet... wearing the sexiest, highest pair of stiletto Jimmy Choos you can find.... Minolo... ok.... give me the proper send off.... I want to meet my maker in stilettos..... oh ya baby!!!!
So here is the dilemma.... should I wear my new Guess watch, all my jewelry and my high heels to the hospital on Tuesday.... OMG no makeup.... this wont be pretty... dark glasses and a hat...
Julia you need to ensure you put my earrings back on before we leave the recovery room... remember you promised... always lipstick and rings.. our pink one with our pink bracelet.....
1 more sleep to go... am I scared... you bet your ass I am...... today I have an appt with Dr. A... my surgeon... where x will mark the spot.... then off to the funeral .... I should wear very little mascara today though... weird.. weird.... life marches on doesn't it... like the dust you wiped from your glass table today... life can change in a instant.. well tomorrow.... after I wake up from the surgery (unless I chicken out.... and run like hell as fast as my high heels will carry me... away from the scene... away to where... ok ok the dark invader will not leave me til they cut it out tomorrow...) I will go under praying they get every little bit of it... pray with me... think of me at around 10:30-11am ish.... I expect to count down to 99 and be out....
Who will I be when I wake up???? Not the same person that wrote this blog.... who will she be - I have no idea.... what I know for sure... my guts are in a knot.... I am not sure I am ready for this..... not sure I even really want to do it... and not sure it is really happening to me... but.... this is your life sweetheart... so princess suck it up, put on your big girl granny panties, take the brave face out of the drawer beside the bed, paste it on and get your ass going...
I need to share one last thing... today is a long one I know.. but shit... when I looked at my sister in law laying there in her casket... the toughest, strongest woman I know... what she went through in her 59 years and now gone.. in the blink of an eye... gone... without her consent... without her even knowing... without a choice.... not only do I get weepy for her, for her kids, for her grandkids, for my ex-husband but I get scared... scared because I did give consent... today I do have a choice... is this the right thing... I have no way of knowing... scared... oh ya sista... oh ya..... ok head up, high heeled armour on..
ten feet tall and bullet proof right????? right?????? right???????
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