I slept again... Lia may have something there with the salt lamp beside the bed... whatever it is I am grateful for it.. sleep precious sleep... maybe it's my new ear plugs... who cares!!
Every morning, in the shower, I pray..... I thank God for all my blessings, all the amazing people in my life and the not so amazing ones... I ask him to look after them because really.... their choices, their feelings, their issues are not mine to carry are they... even when they dont like me or think I have done or said something that offends them 8 years ago... Ya the brother thing... I asked God to take care of them and my brother!
Today, I realized in the shower that it's me and something foreign in there having a shower with me.... hmmm ya the lump with the spiculations... big word, I just learned that word you see from the ultrasound results... so here I am saying my prayer and allowing the hot water to wash over me and I realize for the first time really that this lump is not going away until they take it out!
I am grateful for Yvette finding her lump.... I ask God to look after her, as I do every day.. and I realize again, that if she had not found this lump then I would not have gone to get this mamogram and found this little invader...
Dark invader... dark because on the xrays it appeared darker then the rest and invader because it's not supposed to be there!!!
Then I decide I should touch it... ever since they did the in-depth mamo it bothers me now and then with these funny little pains.. hmmm wondering if it's just letting me know "I am here... dont you forget!!!" but... I have chosen not to feel it...
The surgeon found it... and yup it hurt... this dark invader didnt hurt before that mamogram... hmmmm is there something to that or am I thinking too much? Whatever it is... is....
Trying to decide whether I should touch it.... so I put my arm up over my head and well, its not hard to find... damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Really I have a scar from the biopsy... and little marks everywhere I scratched... OMG there it is... I push harder and it hurts... shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Up until now the dark invader has been something for the docs and techs to feel... shoot... I felt it... Ok it's real...
Yesterday my friend Alex called me to give me the name of a doc in Hamilton who does nothing but breast cancer... she told me a story of her friend who had a mastectomy and guess what her story is the same as mine... inconclusive until they did the lumpectomy and guess what... oh ya postive!!!!! next step.... mastectomy....
After the holidays I will call this clinic, nothing to lose.. and speak to Cindy.. Alex's friend...
In the meantime..... today.... I am having lunch with a childhood friend and yes of course will tell her and ask her when her last mamo was... and to please please go!!!!!
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