New Challenge, Same Lifetime, Over and Over Again

Hello World! No I didn't just wake up from a hibernation... or did I?  I loved writing this blog, sharing all my deepest thoughts, some dark, some heavier than others and some just about what was going on through a time in my life when I felt scared and well more scared.
This morning, I thought about the blog...if it was such a comfort for me to pour my thoughts out here when I was in darker time it would certainly help now.. Well I am not in a dark time at all, in fact the opposite but I am at the beginning of a journey again.. only this time I will fight hard to change my ways, my bad habits that got me to the point of needing to lose 65lbs... but wait last year I did lose some but didn't get serious enough and let life get in my way and work and life and let it go... No, it's more than that but I did manage to keep off some of it and now I have 50 to lose.... Ya 50!!!

So I was thinking, maybe talking about it, sharing the ups and downs may help me to get on the right track and kick "little miss what the hell" off my shoulder.. You know her.. she sits on my left shoulder with long red hair, long bright red nails, lipstick to match, fishnet stockings, a leopard skirt with a black slinky top (oh ya did I mention she was skinny) legs crossed smoking a long cigarette with a glass (no I mean bowl) of red wine in the other... and whenever I want to be bad she appears and says "What the Hell, be good tomorrow, you know you want to drink that wine, eat that burger... come on...." and on the right side of course is my angel saying the opposite... cheering me on... telling me that I will be glad if I don't, in fact nothing tastes as good as skinny feels....

Oh the mental turmoil I go through.... just one chocolate, no really just one glass of wine (ya right it's always 2) just a smidgen of cheese (man I love cheese, the older the better and OK OK, with a good glass of red - nothing is better to this girl) among so many other things... one extra glass of red, one little chocolate, one burger did not put on 50lbs now did it??? Get real!!!

I have never been a skinny Minnie but I had my times when I was thin and trust me it always took harder work than any manual labour I have ever done in my life..

More times in my life than not, I wished that I was like the other girls, you know the ones that can sit in front of me and eat what they want, drink what they want and never gain an ounce... I have been so jealous of that my entire life and in fact fixated on it.  Why not me, why do I have to be born with the "fat gene" or is it jean (ya plenty of fat jeans in this girls closet) why can't I wear those clothes.. damn fat!

Oh add to it the names I called myself over the years, I have been meaner to myself than anyone on this planet, saying things I would never say to or about anyone else. No, I stand in front of the mirror and look at myself and yell names like "you horrible fat pig, you don't deserve to breathe, you should not be going out tonight, what he doesn't like you cause you are fat, are you kidding- don't go to that event - you have nothing that will hide all this ugly fat... " and worse things that I can't even share right now...

Me, last year's Stilettos. FAT!

Who am I kidding, I have been so mean to myself!  Acceptance, never! Not on my life would I accept myself.. others oh yes, me not so much, fat that is... I will do other things to deflect the attention from me being fat, like wild hair, different clothes whatever I thought would work... subconsciously I did this until I actually realized it..

It is so interesting to me that the time and energy that I put into covering up could be diverted to actually focusing on losing the weight I hate so much... so good days and bad days will come and go, some I may fall off the wagon with that piece of chocolate I can't resist or that french fry I steal from Ossie's plate, or that extra piece of real pizza that I snarf down or yes that third maybe fourth glass of wine that well... you know what I mean..

Sleeveless are you kidding!! Never!!!

One thing I know for sure, I am making a commitment to myself and now to you in my blog, being accountable to this will be the difference for me.  So, here we go... I have just lost 5lbs and 10.5inches so I want to lose another 50!!! Yup 50... Ok, considering this day 1.... it's all uphill from here...

One day at a time.. today Ossie and I are going out for dinner for Valentines, wine yes, 4 glasses no.. dessert no... good food yes... cheese - maybe alittle... Valentine's with my valentine...

Wish me luck!