High Maitenance...A Simple Girl a Contradiction of Terms!

Green tea is not my fav thing in the world to drink.... but......I am drinking hot lemon water, cold lemon water, green tea with lemon, green tea without, green tea with super fruits and NO COFFEE!!!! I love coffee but... they tell me it is keeping my belly fat...

Hate this pic of me..

When I was pregnant with my Zachary - some 24 years ago (his birthday is March 1) we called my belly "the blump) a big lump of Zak and a bit of belly fat... ya I look back on those pics and man at 8 months I looked good... ya.. didn't weigh as much as I do now.. yup that's right!!! At 8 months!!! At 9 that was different sordid story..

My point is, I started calling my belly, the big lump below the belly button "the blump" and it has stuck .. it's still here, still just hanging around (figuratively and not so much!) it exists.. I squish it into what I call "suckables" these are the up to your bra, down to mid thigh tight as hell underwear made to make you look smooth... I also call them "holderiners" and they have been a mainstay in my panty drawer for as long as I can remember.. if a pair of my granny panties don't have some kind of a suckable in them I don't wear them..

Ya hide behind the kid!

Ya like it works.....only if they are steal reinforced!  A few years back I was at a networking meeting and saw this giant suckable that you step into and pull up over your shoulders and it clips up the front and hides it all, the back fat, the thighs, hoists up the boobs, smooths out the hips (my ledges) and sucks in the blump... oh boy was I excited... this is the contraption that Lisa Nichols endorses.. truth is I don't care who endorses what.. never been one to follow a product because a celebrity gets paid to do it.. really just not me...

This one spoke to me though.... this fat girl wants to look thin... ya you know the rule, pulling on those Spanx then asking your man.. do I look fat in this.. ummmm if he was to tell you the truth you would drive him... "honey, you just can't squeeze a mack truck into a lemon and expect it to look thin!"

She measured me from head to toe.. I told her not to tell me the size cause I am in denial... and order the biggest one you got.. and lets get going.. I was excited, just couldn't wait to get thin.  I thought of nothing else for weeks before my package arrived.. weeks indeed more like 2 months.. and trust me this thing was expensive (approx. $200).  Now, I have spent loads of money over the years on all this stuff, have drawers overflowing with many promises for a sleeker, slimmer, flater blump, a pushed up, sucked in butt, smooth hips that a skirt would glide right over... Ya ok.. I know better.. but... just one last try... just this one.. I know it will be different....

There are no suckables for
the face!

It arrives!! I am excited to say the least... Ossie goes to work.. thank goodness.. I want to try this thing on and not have him come in and find me struggling like crazy!  The instructions say - have someone help you the first time - ya no!

I am a pro at these suckable things remember... I am super-woman and know all when it comes to pulling, pushing and squeezing this fat into things... I even duct-taped myself for a gala once.. well I had help but I did it...

OK so you have to get a picture in your head... I stepped into this stiff as a board contraption with hard steal siding, I pulled it up to my butt.. Granted it's stiff and I can feel it.. oh boy it's gonna suck it all in and I will look 3 sizes smaller.. come on Lisa stay with me.. the blump is your big test.. oh boy... I pull on the right side to get it over the hips.. man I need powder.. I am starting to sweat... I pull one arm up and over the shoulder - it's tough... then the other... OK arms in.. I fix it by pulling each side up a little more... I am in.. now looking down I see what it does, it took at my back fat, under arm boob fat, hip and butt fat and put it all in the front between the hooks!!!

I stood there looking down, laughing and sweating... this is pretty... I grabbed the jiggly fat and realized I was going to get squished even more... I layed on the bed and did up the first hook at my crotch.. sweat sweat, then did up the 3 at my chest... so far so good.. then comes the tough part... I took a deep breath and sucked in my blump as best I could.. it didn't move... nope... so I grabbed each side and pulled it more.. there was no give.. the secret to this thing - no stretch...I grabbed, layed on my side, laughed, cried, swore at it and then got up and went to the mirror... laughing my butt off (which by the way looked fabulous) simply lovely tight and high!!! 

There I stood, looking at this thing on myself, a few clips done up above my boobs and a few at my crotch and just try and imagine a pita bursting with stuff... ya that's how I looked...

I stepped out of it and threw it in the back of my closet.. Sunday I found it.. no.. I didn't even try to put it on.. I rolled it in a ball and stuffed it back there...

Today I will drink lemon water, hot and cold and drink green tea til I look it.... and I will pull on my suckables, an over sized sweater or something and go out the door...

All in a day's work!