When I drive I think.... sometimes I turn the music right down so that I have no interference and can be alone with my thoughts.... other times I am in such deep thoughts that I don't even hear the radio... eyes riveted on the road, mind deep in a creative moment or some other worldly problem I think I am responsible for..... whatever it is... it is a great refuge for me... thinking time... no noise... no one around... I can't do that at home because Ossie just talks all the time or sings really badly.... togetherness hmmm???
Yesterday, I drove to Mississauga for the second time this week... on Monday it was to pick up a jewelry and purse order... (have lots of new bling ladies for the gala and the Stilettos event... it will be in my office next week to see... ) and yesterday to a legal appt.... as I drove the ramp a thought hits me... at that moment I think hmmm wow that was profound.. hang on a minute.. let me get onto the 401, reach a cruising speed and then really think about this.... oh what if I forget it... I have gotten really good at writing a quick one line down on a pad I carry with me.... because I don't look as I write sometimes I can barely read it and thank goodness I got black seats..... soooo my thought.... I was thinking about another chapter for my book and how important it is when trying to figure out the whole Living under the Influence....
Now, this year for me, according to numerology..... is a year to end things, put to pasture projects, work or whatever that isn't serving me anymore, things that have run their course for me, things that are holding me back from realizing my real purpose and dreams as they are right now..... and a year for me to come to terms with my human imperfection... OMG I just said it..... I am human and not perfect.... good thing I am turning 48 this year and don't really care anymore whether you know I am perfect or not... because even 10 years ago... ok truth is even last year.... I still struggled with this... letting you, the entire world know that I, Tina Lee Dezsi wasn't perfect.....but now.... I hope by me sharing my story and insights that I can help you..... because I know you are out there.. those that suffer with this as well... and by relating to my journey... in real time...maybe you will see how brilliant you really are....
Oh ya... my thought.... I worked and worked and strived to reach the top.... top of what still to be determined.... took detours that I now know were lessons, beat myself up for jobs not done to my expectations, looked in the mirror and told this incredible woman how horrible she was, once even told her she didn't deserve to live, another time told her she was so fat and ugly that she had no idea why anyone would even want to be with her..... I told her how stupid she was, yelled at her for her mistakes and for not measuring up to her own expectations...... I threw things at the mirror in anger and burst into tears when I saw her face.... I was so nasty to her yet to the world I appeared confident and put together (know this because others actually told me this) whew.. the jig is working... the facade I choose to wear is good.... doing a good job... well pat yourself on your back for that one cookie...
During this entire time I met incredible women and men who were achieving their dreams, whose brilliance shone so bright that you didn't need lights on in the room, who reeked of success and boasted it.... ah but they did have a right to.. they earned it... so why on earth could I not be happy for them... why did my stomach turn when I heard their story... why would I find a fault.... and justify it through a big explanation as I told someone else and to myself.... why would I actually feel disgusted or pissed off by them instead of inspired that another human being had achieved whatever their hearts desire was and damn it..... they are a beacon to us... a light at the end of the tunnel that proves to us... just do it... you can do it... you are as brilliant as me.... come on Tina......
I realized that it was never about them.....never.... it was me... fully me.. I admit it... that twinge was jealousy.... I felt threatened by them, by their success, by their brilliance, by how much better they were then me, I measured my lack of success (my perceived lack of success), how I looked, how I spoke, the jewelry they wore was better then me..... every detail was better and I was threatened...... I thought why them and not me.... Then realizing I was causing my own demise here.... that until I realize that I do this and why... I will never cross the threshold fully.... fully.... so I decided to figure it out...
In doing so, I learned that by me constantly beating myself up and telling myself all the nasty things I would never do or say to a friend I was keeping myself there... feeling smaller..... I started to turn it around by journaling all the amazing things I have accomplished, patting myself on the back for dressing the way I want to... not your style... Tina style..... I stopped... calling myself out in the mirror and walking out the door even when I felt I looked terrible, too fat and stopped putting myself down....
What I relized was the catch in all of this... positive affirmations only work when the heart and mind are connected... you can say them out loud, write them on your mirror in lipstick, on a paper and put it on the fridge but if you don't feel them for real, in your heart, then they are just phony! You say it but you don't feel it... only this time you argue in your head and tell yourself to turn it around... hmmm sounds to me like there is no connection there.... Soon your heart will win..... EVERY TIME..... I believe it's a shift in your heart that has to happen... then come the positive affirmations and thoughts...
Because I no longer have this feeling when I meet someone who I consider brilliant (meaning smarter, sharper and more successful then me - words from Michelle Peavy's talk on Tuesday) I feel grateful that I have been given the gift of being in the room at that moment to hear them share their stories.... I love to hear others tell me how they did it... how great they feel... I love for them to be full of themselves and their brilliance... oh yes I do.... because it fills me up, my heart grows..... not what they did as much as how they feel about it and the biggie.... that they are proud of themselves..... I can see in their faces the radiance of their heart shining through when it is for real.... that touches me... and gives me hope..... inspires me..... if the love and passion in their heart drives them to be their best person then damn it... I can be Queen of the World.... as I used to say when I was a kid standing on a hill... back then... I so believed I would rule the world... I did... I did...
I like numerology.... because it's not fake... it is numbers and based on your birth date... not into too much else like this but... so I have booked a reading with a friend of Val's for tomorrow.... can't wait for her to tell me what the numbers say about my incredible year ahead journey!!!! My great big juicy succulent future awaits me...
Final thought today.... Surrender to it.... go ahead... and you do not have to give yourself away in the process... surrender.. fall deep into that place where your jealousy lives and give it up!!!!
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