Ok it's almost 5 weeks since surgery and it's still black and blue and hard.... and to top it off last night when I rolled over I on it and OMG... that shot me straight up in the bed... pain.... searing through this poor boob...... hey wait that's attached..... do I get up to take an Aleve... no... not me.... I want to sleep.... I don't sleep well... ever...
Waking up after a fitful night of sleep I stagger into the shower, eyes closed, banging into walls, looking like a mad woman with my hair all over the place.... (in the morning I do look insane) and let the water run over me as I slowly open my eyes... the shower is like a refuge to me... this is the place I can pray without even a cat around and the hotter the water the better...
Today, I pray that Nadera and her girls are seeking some solace in their memories and my heart goes out to them...... imagine what you would do??? What any of us would do.... when in a moments notice your entire life changes.... of course death is the ultimate finality but think about changes, tragedies you have been through, losses of jobs, children moving away, parents ill or passing away, friends with cancer, a new puppy, a new home, a new grandchild....... all of these incidents change who we are from that day forward...
This new me.... the one that is working on staying stress free..... (ok as much as possible) sometimes allows the old Tina to poke through and get excited about things... when she shows up, there is chaos, she's nosey this one.... she wants to control a situation and know everything about everything that is going on in that moment.... The new me.... well she just has to learn how to deal with those times the best she can.... it took 47 years for the old Tina to become who she was... hmmmm how long will it take for the new me to take over completely.... the calmer, less excited me....
You know what scares me.............. I am struggling between what is excitement and energy for life and what is pure reaction to stress.... the adrenaline rush I would get when I got excited about an idea.. doesn't that mean you are alive??? I want to be alive... I don't want to give that feeling up.... I want to be happy, full of enthusiasm for that moment and excited to be alive.... nothing is wrong with that right????? right?
I am that person... happy..... positive.... enthusiastic about life, full of energy (ok getting there... really I am) excited to see what the next moment is going to bring, how it will unfold...... I have decided that I don't really want to calculate out every single minute.... I want them to unfold and I am not going to stress over that... I will of course continue to have some structured work... I have to... however I will also let it unfold easily ad naturally..
When I am in tune with me, the inner me......I feel still and quiet inside.....I am open to receive... feeling grateful and alive.... my maker always presents signs and opportunities that will take me closer to my desire... to my goals... he also presents lessons along the way....... if I miss them it's because I am so intent on something and the receptors to receiving are shut down.... then my world does need to be controlled....
Today as I head out to fill a jewelry order.... I will sing along with my radio station Boom fm - sing loudly and just be in this moment.. calmly... peacefully and in no particular rush.....
A Monday without rushing..... enjoy!!!
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