The sound of my clocks ticking........ the click of the pup's nails as he trots across the bare floors...... and absolutely nothing else..... I love silence................ I just love it............ I crave it and get very little of it... waking up with it is lovely..............
After my ex-husband left and before Ossie, I lived alone (well my son lived there too... but he was a typical teen and was gone all the time doing his thing) and I enjoyed many of these moments...... reading in peace.... thinking.... meditating and loving being alone with myself..... that is the key, getting to the point that you love your own company.... my mother used to tell me it was ok to talk to yourself but if you answer back then you better start worrying....
When I think of how few of these times I actually get or take I realize how much I need them.... being alone is not a lonely or bad thing... it can be rejuvenating..... you get to refuel however you want..... doing some yoga in peace.... add some meditation to it..... just sit and be... who said you had to do anything or everything in that space and time.....
Me, well the old Tina would have.... she would have felt unproductive and at least been designing new jewelry...... answering emails or something... just something.... anything...... not this new chick... no way man... I can just sit and be......
As a result of burnout........ which I admit that I am slowly recovering from...... I crave the stillness, the calm, the peace and the sound of my clocks only............. nothing more....... at times I find my mind wandering to places to hide out....... where can I go that I can be alone and not have to face the world at all right now.... where can I go to take care of me... and only me...... it's so true.... when you stop.. when you slow down, more then a week or 2 that is... you realize that there was something wrong with the warp speed you were living at..... you can pretend to yourself that it was all good all you like but the truth is that the body just says enough, I will not go back to that no matter how much you push.... the more you push the more I will resist and you will sit still period.... this is the hard lesson that I am learning.................
Julia and I headed out to her cottage on Saturday morning, did the mani & pedi girlie things and then back to relax..... hot tub with 3rd glass of wine.... ummmm not so smart.....don't get me wrong... nothing wrong with the hot tub or 3 glasses of wine.... nope.....it was something else.....
Did you know that people with high blood pressure are not really supposed to be in a hot tub.... true.. and guess who has it.... and I love the hot tub...
It bit me... oh yes it did.... it threw me out of it... Julia said be careful of the steps they are slippery.... well she got out OK.. so would I... WRONG!!!!!!!!!!! I picked up my plastic wine glass half full of red wine and my bottle of water in the other, looked down at the step with water all over it and in that split second did not hang onto the railing.... not noticing the thin sheet of ice under the water my foot slipped out and as I came down I hit the corner of the stair with my tailbone and went face first into the pavement.. cutting the bottom of my left foot, cutting and bruising the top, leaving myself with the prettiest purple hip and thigh.... huge big bruise and let me tell you OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!! As I got up..... in pain.... went into the house and took my things to climb the many stairs to the bedroom... my heart was pounding....... I am fully aware of the fact that my blood pressure is sky high.... in my head I can count the beats.... I can feel it about to explode..... I get short of breath and am dizzy..... I need to lay down.... I don't yell for Julia.....I have no energy to even open my mouth....... I just lay there for abit breathing deeply and slowly........... the combo of the hot tub, the wine and the fall.... is alot for my delicate blood pressure since the surgery........... It slows down somewhat so I can go downstairs.... how dumb am I, do I mention it to her.. no, I yelp going down every stair... concentrating more on the pain in my butt and legs then what happened in my body.... just so like typical old Tina..... see how fast I revert to old ways...
It's hard to sit, hard to lay down, hard to walk and even hard to do bodily functions.... Stairs are the worst...... have you been to my office - where you need to go up 27 stairs to get to it..... Gee... do I take this as a sign.... slow down............ nope..... pay attention Tina!!!!
Being aware, careful, cognisant and taking care of oneself takes alot of work... running at warp speed through life takes nothing... In the past I thought that this took it all..... this took precision... focus..... intelligence and stamina..... not anymore...... I know for a fact that taking care of oneself.... first... putting yourself and your health first takes careful attention..... mindful focus..... optimal intelligence and rock solid stamina.... and this is the most important job of your life.... without this you will slip..... fall... repeat.... slip.... fall.... repeat..... over and over again.... until you finally get it...
Today, as I baby my bruised butt, hip, thigh and foot as well as cradle my healing puppy..... I will enjoy the peace and quiet, take advantage of the sunshine, meditate, do alittle work, soak in Epsom's salts and be kind to myself....
Take your time.. no warp speed today and do something lovely just for you today..........
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