Yesterday I found out about someone (who I pushed into having her first mammogram) and didn't want to tell me..... she didn't want to worry me..... she went back for the ultrasound and yesterday a biopsy...
I read the email and cried like a baby.... broke down right there in my office.... was glad everyone was busy because I am sure that I wouldn't have been able to speak had they seen me.... then I called her and I could relate... it was very calming being able to understand and relate to what she is going through..... I can help her... with her feelings... I can help her....
The flood gates opened and poured out emotions for her.... for Joy who is having a bi-lateral mastectomy today...... for Cindy who just contacted me last week to donate to the Stilettos event and is on the other side of a mastectomy, chemo and radiation.... and for Yvette who is just post last chemo and the affects are horrible right now..... for my friend AM who is going for her call back mammo this coming Wed.... Man... is this for real???????????????
Then there is me.... oh yes my emotions went to me too... for I am the link in all of this... and I went through my own journey..... I am in the middle of my new journey.... the one that was written in black on white.... the one that I dissected to death... the one that says OK girl... you were free this time... but.. we are watching you..... if you don't shape up.... we will be back......
I know what my friend feels like.... now she waits.... she waits 2 weeks possibly 3 for those results.... go home and be positive.... really?????? She relives her life now in full.... wondering why she didn't find it.... why her.... why now... what changes do I need to make....... what if....... how do I tell people...... do I tell people......... what if I need surgery..... do I opt for a mastectomy right away....... will I lose my hair............ will I throw up..... wait no one told me I need chemo....... OK stop being a big baby you haven't been diagnosed yet...... wait a minute feel sorry for me.... this could be it...... no stop thinking that... you might bring it on if you give it energy...... stay positive.... pray... pray alot..... cry... cry hard... cry even harder.......... smile...... keep going......... it's not so bad.... there are many out there worse off them me... who am I to cry in my beer........ this will be OK, I am positive................ man am I ever alone................. wow, I have such a good support system............. they just don't get it...... they want to analyze me............. everyone has advice................ OK I need answers.... there are none for us on hold...... oh, you haven't actually been diagnosed yet... well why not wait til you have then come and see us................ but I need some answers now.............. no I don't want to know a thing....... I need to be with this... meditate, cook, clean, ya right that is supposed to take my mind off this................................ I get it............ I so get it!!!!
Yesterday I was so full of emotion for them all..... and me.... and today I am angry.............. what in the hell is it in our lives today that is causing this.... why in the hell am I now being shown this in many areas of my life............ why is this affecting so many awesome women.............. why is there no cure............. I know being diagnosed with breast cancer is no longer a death sentence but damn it... it's not a very nice life sentence either!!!
Being on the edge of insanity myself most days, I have fully decided to live for the moment and take one day at a time.... as I said before, many people may not like this new Tina but...... it's OK... they will get it eventually.... this is who she is now..... proof.... this morning Yvette's hubby Colin called Ossie to see if he wanted to go to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina for the week golfing... Ossie wavered, himmed, hawed until I finally said GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! when??? Sunday...... GO!!!! Are you kidding me... Julia and I are going to the cottage Saturday and not back til Sunday... maybe I will miss Ossie when he leaves.... you know what... it's OK.... we have cell phones... and how often do you get a chance to just go and enjoy a week of sunshine, laughter, golf, beer and fun.....
Today...... I see both sides clear as a bell...... the opportunity life holds............... and on the other hand how quickly it can be turned right upside down..... why on earth would we work harder and more????
This is so in my face....... every day more and more... this new passion that found me..... providing support and so much more with my new centre.... yes it will definitely have a program, offer support and info for those LIVING ON HOLD!!!!!!!!!!!!! Misfits in the medical system.... a hole yet to be filled... a place for them to go and feel like they belong..... a place where positive support lives... and someone to pass the Kleenex box that gets it, understands fully because they were there!!!! Oh yes.... my centre will include this!!!!
Today....... I pray for all my friends who are going through this horrible time in their lives...... I pray that they come out on the other side to see that life is for the taking..... the opportunity to give it hell....... to be all they can be for themselves and our world....... the chance to inspire others with their stories and their lives...... for health................ breast cancer free..............
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