Didn't sleep last night very well.. I was laying there awake anyway so why not find a movie.... the Father of the Bride, Steve Martin.... so there I layed crying at the end picturing my son... ya mother of the groom here.. in September I am gonna need bullet proof mascara I am sure.... all I could think about was my baby.....
Then no sleep yet.. so flipped around and found marketplace... OMG!!!!!!!!!!! I will not eat chicken again unless I can find a farmer that does not ever use any antibiotics on his chicken.... holy cow people... we are in serious trouble.... guess where the worst one was from LOBLAWS!!!! Maple Leaf, Prime, Presidents Choice and the one whose label says antibiotic free... it was tested and found 5 present... and resistant to 8 super bugs.... excuse me we are eating this people.....
I suggest you watch it... not to scare you but to educate you.... you can watch the entire episode... wake up people and smell the antibiotics!!! Years ago they started to tell us about this..... Its here just like the year 2000..... http://www.cbc.ca/marketplace/
Enough of the scary stuff or is it????
3 sleeps to go til clear for take off now... and my mind is all over the map.. Sunday is a day of rest right.. will someone turn the lights down on my mind, pull the covers up, tuck me in, sing me a lullaby and rock me to sleep.... just for 3 days... no big deal in the big scheme of life is it?????
To lose 3 days?? what the hell is that... when you have lost 3.5 months already!!!!!!!!!!!! Say what?? What the hell you talk about girl... here is the bare naked truth to this whole nightmare.. ya nightmare... one day I woke up as Tina Dezsi, a 47 year old woman craving simplicity in her life for 2011 ready to make some changes in how I work, how I live, how often I vacation, what kind of fun I am gonna have, what new projects I can create, new focus on her desire to create the wellness centre..... oh so many things she was going to have accomplished by now.....
I drove to the hospital to have a mammogram.. trepidation in tact, humour in tact because I had put this off for 4 years because it was gonna hurt... oh ya.. once you have had a breast reduction gone wrong it's gonna hurt... so off I go to brave the big bad technician all because my friend has breast cancer.... just to prove a point.. clear me... ok done!!!! End of October.. moving on.. plan a party to send Yvette off to chemo with good positive vibes all wrapped up in matching tshirts.....
Phone ringing for a week from the hospital.. Tina Dezsi please call on the answering machine.... ya ya.. it's ok I will get to it.... and if you have read my blog you know the story, the ultrasound and the in-depth level 2 mamo, onto the biopsy, more ultrasound, pathologists not seeing the same thing, the doc telling me to go home and be positive... wait it out...."what do you want me to do, make something up" rings loud and clear as if I just heard it...... Christmas comes and goes... demanding a surgeon.. Thanking God for that... he agrees and we go on our cruise... home to the rip out room.. and bam here we are Feb 13th... Already had wiped February off the map, cleared the calendar, brought home what I wanted to do..... cool......
In between, trying to hold it together... trying to appear superwoman dark invader fighter..... stay busy girl... you wont think about it... who do you tell... as I walk around knowing there is something inside me... growing... I don't know... what do I know.. no x-ray goggles in my makeup bag....
Friends.... supportive friends..... the girls have been so good... Mel, Ann-Marie, Lia, Deb, Val, Nancy, Tamara, Sharmila ..... Bev & Dee and the soup.. yumm the soup.... Marlene who relates...
Lovely Julia.... she has been such a rock.... poor Julia.....I feel so guilty... she is in Calgary so she won't see this... busy with family wedding... good thing... I feel so damn guilty all the time she has spent listening to me, being at the hospital with me, and spending money on pink jewelry with me....
My mom... worry for my mom and dad.. I don't want them worrying.... my kids... Ossie.....we dare not tell my 96 year old grandmother.... nope... that's not gonna happen....
Make jokes because there is uncomfortableness with people.... a great big pink elephant in the room... well at least it's pink.... lol.....if you joke about it, maybe they won't be so uncomfortable...and you will pretend or tell yourself that it really is ok..... do you know I am walking around with something inside of me... how the hell can I laugh..... how can I joke... what the hell can be so flippin funny anyway.. stay home or behind your desk because then you wont have to face it out in the real world.. stay cocooned.. it's safer... Yvette... oh man how I cried for her....
I am pissed off today... and weepy...... no matter what the outcome... and of course I know I will be cleared for take off..... right???? I have lost 3.5 months of my life... they have been full of wondering... what's next for me... what's inside of me.... believe me this affects your entire life, who you are in the morning, who you are when you go to bed, your work, your sex life, who you speak to , who you avoid, what you tell certain people and who you are completely open and honest with.. and should you keep talking - WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!!!!! Everyone has lives of their own and you are bringing them down....
Guilt... having others worry about you when you are the caregiver... strong like bull..... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... being what appears to be the one that pulls it together... oh ya... hearing you are so together... what are you freakin nuts?????? You despise the tilt of the head.... so you should just suck it up princess... leave people alone...
You truly find out at this time..... who even cares.................. you are not that important girlfriend... just not that important in the big scheme of things... OMG my mom told me I was......
Hey wait a minute - who is out there to support those of us living on hold... living in limbo of not knowing for sure is not that easy... do you have to fight? should you stay positive? positive for what.... do I let my brain go there..... should I what if??? because if I do what if.... OMG I might bring it on... that means I want it then doesn't it..... that means I actually agree that this belongs in my life... what am I looking for..... sympathy... empathy... Don't want to be seen as sick... bad bad word... but some sympathy and someone to take care of me would be nice...... just alittle bit...... I AM HUMAN YOU KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When you are so used to la vita loca (crazy life) and your stress mechanisms are numb because stress is a normal part of your life every single day.... you don't even recognize that for 3 months you have been walking around in a complete state of being on hold... in stress.... stress of not knowing... then one day it happens... you look in the mirror and there you are..... different somehow trying so hard to be the same and normal... what the hell?????????
Imagine calling somewhere and being on hold.... hold for 3.5 months.... imagine.....having a question to ask and there is no one on the other end to answer.... no one to say oh this is normal.... and not "think positive" "go home and have Christmas" "don't make something out of nothing" Really???? Really????
I am going through this whole process of realization.. of understanding that this is my life... when I say who might I be on Thursday..... who the hell am I today.... not the same person I was Oct 20th, not even the same as the morning of Dec 7th (biopsy day) and certainly not the same as 2 weeks ago Tuesday...... not because my cells change every day, not because I have taken some magical course that made me into something new and exciting...... not because I have lost that 30lbs I wanted to by now.. nope sir.... not it... all because today... I have lost 3.5 months of my life..... being on hold...
Now 3 sleeps til the doc says "cleared for take off" which is what I want... but..... then what have the last 3 months been about, what about my supportive friends... I already feel guilty of the time they have taken to support me... now what if it was for nothing.... should I make amends... how can I face the world... what colour will my lenses be..... what if it was all a blip.... a blip in my great big life.... do we all just go back to normal... I TOLD YOU THERE IS NO MORE NORMAL FOR ME.... not ever again...
I will go for follow up and every time I have a mammogram, I will go away wondering... is this it? This time will the call from the doc be different???? I will never ever get my 3.5 months back.... never ever will this time happen again..... never will I have this Christmas with my kids again... never will I ever ever again live Nov 2010 - Feb 16, 2011.......
So today..... yes today there is nothing I can do about this... the control is out of my hands.... what I can do is have a cup of bold coffee..... do some laundry, have a bath, eat veg & fruit, read Oprah mag... kiss my puppy, write, and think and think and think....... smile... it's all good.... right??????
What I realize.... decisions don't make sense to me right now... any I have made over the past few months were made half assed... with half a brain... lol.... isn't that funny???? laugh with me please..... every day it's different... one day it is and one day it's not.... what will happen to all of us on Thursday... my Pinkalicious team....
Ahhhh maybe you shouldn't listen to me right now.... again... anyone want to tuck me in and sing me a lullaby as I put the next 3 days on hold.......
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