I have to share this pic with you today.... The Durham East POWE meeting the day of my surgery.... they wore pink for me.... took this shot and sent it to me on my cell phone.... How amazing is that.....
Avoiding works.... it does for awhile... avoiding the phone..... avoiding people...... avoiding your emotions..... ya it works for a little while then bam it always comes back to haunt you....
This morning I did everything else but open my blog to write.... I love this blog, love writing, love that it releases the emotions for me..... but this morning for some reason I avoided it......
This is not like me, lies!!!! Lately, the new me... yes it is..... just like me to hide out and avoid the outside world, avoid my nightly routine of cleaning off my makeup by not putting any on in the morning, avoid my phone ringing at home or my cell because I just don't want to go through the entire story again, avoid the knock that just came to my door...... easy to do it... just hide around the corner..... so much more that I have not even put my finger on it as of yet............
Is this part of the new me?? Could have been there all along.. I do hate confrontations and try to avoid them... well who likes them - put up your hand.... not asking about challenges or debates but confrontations... they suck!!!!!
Yvette and I had a good conversation yesterday about feelings..... ya yucky, sticky, messy feelings..... you know the ones I have tried to avoid...... she called me on a few of them... then told me she relates to them because they are ones that she has or is experiencing.... Ok so they are real then... shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We both agree that being afraid to really truly with the thoughts of the "c" word... dark invader... whatever you what to call it is scary.... she has it... she is about to do her 5th chemo tomorrow and still doesn't want to be fully with it for the same reason I am.... are we asking for it if we accept it, agree to it................ wow am I glad she gets it......
Staying positive is a hard job, big job and one draws on all the strength you have inside and those close to you..... it's hard on them... really hard... hence our ploughing forward on our Healthy Caregiver Program that you will learn more about...
How cool is this when something like this fertilizes something so powerful that will help so many others...... what I know for sure.... Yvette and I have determined we are not the norm, we are determined to make my journey and hers bigger and pay it forward to help others.... this will not die.... tomorrow (hopefully) as I get my clear for takeoff and she allows that needle to inject that cancer fighting juice into her veins.... it's for bigger reasons...... big indeed!!!!!!!
I admitted to Yvette, I have been a bitch.... an almighty bitch to myself and to my Ossie..... on our cruise he almost went and asked for his own cabin... ok I admit it............ I am kinder to everyone else around me then I am to the one person who has supported and shared this fully with me...... as I cry, as I worry, as I clam up, as I fight for my independence and as I fight to be taken care of...... I have never been one of those gals who felt the need to be taken care of...... and have fought it fiercely instead.... and now I just want to be taken care of.... is that such a bad thing..... hey I have had surgery you know..... but I am not sick...... don't you dare call me sick....... but I am tired.... it's only been 2 weeks and I don't do well with anesthetic..... I want to get back to work and I want to stay in bed........ damn this 3.5 months of not knowing for sure.... damn it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok enough inner struggle...... the brain... my brain on what if???? I have decided that tomorrow I am ready..... I tore off the steri-strips yesterday in the shower in one full swoop.... looks good -2.5 inches long and 1/2 inch cross... hey looks like a "T"..... but wait a minute.... the lump was only 1.3cm in size.... but it looks nice.... clean.. and I bet it wont even leave a scar in a few years...
I am ready...... in fact whatever way it goes tomorrow and you know as well as I do that it is gonna go well..... that I am ready............. ready to move on either way..... but gotta tell ya...... I know in my heart.... I really do.... that its done (this time...) second opinions... oh ya, Hamilton, oh ya..... 3 months from now as I go for follow-up, 3 months after that, and 3 months after that.... forever I will be changed..... a red spot showed up on my arm a few weeks ago..... not gone.... better check.... what if??????????? my life has changed, I have changed..... this is now part of it... forever.... wondering....
So, I better get on move on and start living intensely right????
This morning I did everything else but open my blog to write.... I love this blog, love writing, love that it releases the emotions for me..... but this morning for some reason I avoided it......
This is not like me, lies!!!! Lately, the new me... yes it is..... just like me to hide out and avoid the outside world, avoid my nightly routine of cleaning off my makeup by not putting any on in the morning, avoid my phone ringing at home or my cell because I just don't want to go through the entire story again, avoid the knock that just came to my door...... easy to do it... just hide around the corner..... so much more that I have not even put my finger on it as of yet............
Is this part of the new me?? Could have been there all along.. I do hate confrontations and try to avoid them... well who likes them - put up your hand.... not asking about challenges or debates but confrontations... they suck!!!!!
Yvette and I had a good conversation yesterday about feelings..... ya yucky, sticky, messy feelings..... you know the ones I have tried to avoid...... she called me on a few of them... then told me she relates to them because they are ones that she has or is experiencing.... Ok so they are real then... shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We both agree that being afraid to really truly with the thoughts of the "c" word... dark invader... whatever you what to call it is scary.... she has it... she is about to do her 5th chemo tomorrow and still doesn't want to be fully with it for the same reason I am.... are we asking for it if we accept it, agree to it................ wow am I glad she gets it......
Staying positive is a hard job, big job and one draws on all the strength you have inside and those close to you..... it's hard on them... really hard... hence our ploughing forward on our Healthy Caregiver Program that you will learn more about...
How cool is this when something like this fertilizes something so powerful that will help so many others...... what I know for sure.... Yvette and I have determined we are not the norm, we are determined to make my journey and hers bigger and pay it forward to help others.... this will not die.... tomorrow (hopefully) as I get my clear for takeoff and she allows that needle to inject that cancer fighting juice into her veins.... it's for bigger reasons...... big indeed!!!!!!!
I admitted to Yvette, I have been a bitch.... an almighty bitch to myself and to my Ossie..... on our cruise he almost went and asked for his own cabin... ok I admit it............ I am kinder to everyone else around me then I am to the one person who has supported and shared this fully with me...... as I cry, as I worry, as I clam up, as I fight for my independence and as I fight to be taken care of...... I have never been one of those gals who felt the need to be taken care of...... and have fought it fiercely instead.... and now I just want to be taken care of.... is that such a bad thing..... hey I have had surgery you know..... but I am not sick...... don't you dare call me sick....... but I am tired.... it's only been 2 weeks and I don't do well with anesthetic..... I want to get back to work and I want to stay in bed........ damn this 3.5 months of not knowing for sure.... damn it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok enough inner struggle...... the brain... my brain on what if???? I have decided that tomorrow I am ready..... I tore off the steri-strips yesterday in the shower in one full swoop.... looks good -2.5 inches long and 1/2 inch cross... hey looks like a "T"..... but wait a minute.... the lump was only 1.3cm in size.... but it looks nice.... clean.. and I bet it wont even leave a scar in a few years...
I am ready...... in fact whatever way it goes tomorrow and you know as well as I do that it is gonna go well..... that I am ready............. ready to move on either way..... but gotta tell ya...... I know in my heart.... I really do.... that its done (this time...) second opinions... oh ya, Hamilton, oh ya..... 3 months from now as I go for follow-up, 3 months after that, and 3 months after that.... forever I will be changed..... a red spot showed up on my arm a few weeks ago..... not gone.... better check.... what if??????????? my life has changed, I have changed..... this is now part of it... forever.... wondering....
So, I better get on move on and start living intensely right????
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