Not even knowing where I start, I write this. Not even sure if anyone is listening... doesnt matter... it's theraputic for me to do this...
I will start from the beginning... of this story anyway..... well in August.... I find out my friend Yvette has breast cancer... I was stunned, shocked and cried and cried and cried.... couldnt do anything to help, to change it or to make it better for her... just cry.....
I had not had a mamogram in 4 years, ok scared of the pain... because 4 years ago I had a breast reduction... and ouch how would squishing hurt them... big time... so I thought... so I kept putting it off... I promised Yvette I would get one... it was time..
Well, the mamo didnt hurt so much... the housephone rang... it was the hospital, we need to set you up for an ultrasound and take another look. I ignored the call for 2 weeks until the doctors office called and that made me take notice. So off I went, back to hospital. The tech left the room and I heard her call upstairs to mamogram, telling them she was sending Tina Dezsi back up there for deeper look... Oh joy!!! she found a lump.... Before she sends me upstairs to mamogram again she books me for a biopsy... what..... what for????? are you sure you are talking about Tina Dezsi and not someone else??? ok, it's all good, it will show nothing... done that before, it came back with nothing.... ok whatever...
Off I went and there it was, up the screen in front of me.. my breast and my lump.... ok this is real.. now this mamo hurt.... hurt so much I swore at the tech... poor thing... I bet I am not the only person who has ever done that... hold your breath.... don't move... OMG this hurt!!! squished the girls flat as a pancake...
Left the hospital and as soon as I hit the garage, I lost it, couldnt find my car, called my gf Julia... Julia OMG!!! I can't find my car, crying and now actually scared... it hit me... right there and then... what if?????????????????? no we can only handle one of us at a time... we need to support Yvette... this wont happen to me... nope... not gonna agree to this... ok collect myself, sit in my car and listen to Julia speak... tell me what they said, what did they do....
Ok done!! now they will find out there is nothing there, scar tissue from the previous surgery... The phone rings again... the doctor wants to see me... I go and he tells me "it's highly suspicious" they want to do a biopsy... yup I already know this... so why am I here! what does that report say.... I need some answers now... getting worried... tear up again... what a big baby... why am I crying.. they havent said the C word for sure yet... they are testing... Doc says go home and think positive! I ask about the reports and if they are normal... he says "what do you want me to do, make something up???" No I say, just give me some answers..... off I go out of that room, can't talk... Ossie (my fiance waiting for me) asking what did he say... I can't talk yet... I dont know how to process this.... nothing!!!! process what..... nothing!!!! I have no answers....
I get to my office and Deb, our ED, RN specializing in encology asks for the report so we have the doctor fax it.... I see the look on her face... you see she had breast cancer before with a mastectomy.... so now I wait for the biopsy... done.... samples taken... awake with area frozen.. OMG my mind is going everywhere... not knowing what is really happening, why has this gone this far, I am a healthy lucky girl and this just doesnt happen to us.... ok this is real, they are taking samples... snap goes the machine each time it cuts... the doc says he has good samples... ok.... now the bleeding won't stop... I wait on a stretcher holding my breast, they get Ossie and bring him down, his knees go weak and I tell him I can't support him right now... I need him to support me.... this is about me here.... I am not being selfish, I am scared to death..... ok lay here and pray, ask God to make this all go away now... ok I can be positive and joke... ya that will do it....
We go home, I have been hit by a bus... hey this was just a biopsy for heavens sake!!!! Ouch this really hurts... ok stop being a baby, get to work, work... what do I do there... feeling useless cause my brain is on those results... The doc calls, the results.... inconclusive... they conferenced without me about it... one pathologist says cancer present, one no and so they wont sign off on it... off the samples go to Toronto... ummm by the way - this means no results til after Christmas...
I am in shock... no further ahead... ok positive me... onward and upward right!!! I am in shock I think... I speak to Mel, my gf and she says... no way.... get on that phone and demand to see a surgeon... ok you are right... I call back right away and say - enough send me to a surgeon... they call me back in 24 hours... yippppeee Tuesday - less than a week away...
Surgeon appointment yesterday... loved him............ he thinks the same as I do... he examines me... ouch.... still messed up from the dressings and being allergic to the tape... not pretty... scratching... all little sores... ok so what... he feels it...
He comes back in and says ok... here are your options... we can leave it.. and who knows... he doesnt really care about the path results... or even the new ones... because they take the samples from one part... but they dont get it from the middle or the other side where cancer could live.... the only way is to remove the whole thing.... Are you kidding - YES YES YES.... Get it out.... so Feb 1st... surgery...
Thank you Doc and Thank you God....
more to come....
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