It's interesting how our past behaviours come back to haunt us..... Life is made up of lessons along the way and sometimes they smack you in the face down the road... maybe not when they happen... but they will.... hopefully when they do hit you, you are in a place to recognize them for what they are for you and others......
Have you ever done something or said something that at the time just happened... you said something what I call - just falling out....
Yesterday, I had this happen to me.... and I can't even begin to tell you how horrible I feel... however.... you know me well enough now that I believe that I am here to learn the lesson, I am not a sugar coater, I feel that owning up to ones mistakes is essential for growth and in my heart I only want good for others....
Well, I need to share this... for me and for you... December, January & February 2010 were a horrible time for me... I was beginning this huge wake up that is still going on for me... I was stressed to my core and in a place between resentment, anger, fighting to get out of it and yet causing myself even more..... I was in the middle of planning and trying to sell a conference..... I was in financial trouble with my businesses.... POWE believe it or not... was not created as a non-profit but truth is... it is.... contrary to people's beliefs... it is.... and because of the hours I was spending on this conference, T&E was suffering big time.... my bread & butter.... needless to say.... I was so stressed.... I started to gain weight.... Ossie and I started fighting.... I became resentful for having to cook dinner and chase after a man, clean up after him, do his laundry and all the things that the single life didn't include..... on top of it all - we were in a contract with the hotel to pay a huge amount of money for this event.... we were each out of pocket big amounts and guess what - the tickets were selling very poorly...... I was a basket case...... oh yes I was...
My physical being was starting to wear down..... the shell I kept up for so many years was deteriorating and I didn't even know this was the beginning of so much more to come..... I received an email... one asking how many tickets were sold, how many this and that and so on..... from someone who was interested..... and I didn't see that... I saw that she was questioning things that were none of her business..... really???? really???? she was fully in her right.... but me... no, I took it personally in the midst of all of it... I felt personally responsible for everything at this moment..... I felt that I was failing and this was all entirely my fault... I was tearing my insides out, beating myself up, and worse I didn't have an answer to any of it....
I was pretending big time to the outside world that I could do it all, I could manage... stay positive because the law of the universe will kick you in the ass if you allow yourself to go to the dark negative side.... but the entire time..... the mind was trying desperately to cling to positive the heart was already sinking in the negative... drowning in the pool of despair, of not knowing how to save itself and those involved.... man it was a tough time....
So, back to this email..... I defiantly said in the email to let me handle it... got my back up and called the person a nasty name..... one of the others concerned also came back with a derogatory remark.... now, the email did not include anyone but us.... but...... at the time the other person's emails were breached..... oh yes... and this nasty person took it upon herself to send the email to the woman asking the question...
What ensued was a circle of nasty..... the woman who vindictively sent this was not thinking of the recipient, how this would make her feel... she was simply looking for a revenge and just to be nasty.... mean girl games.....
Over a year later it came back to me yesterday...... truth is I am so glad it did....... I am so glad that I have the opportunity to learn so much from this.... I have the opportunity to apologize to this person, who by the way I know from a distance but don't know her personally... I have nothing to even say about her... I can't even say she is nice, she is not, nothing because I don't know her at all....... however I am so glad that I have another opportunity to grow... firstly to never ever do that again..... no matter what, lashing out gets me where.... nowhere..... secondly to learn that even emails are not safe............ and lastly to be able to own up to my mistakes and to grow from them....
I did send her an email and apologize... I still feel horrible for this..... she graciously accepted but I still feel I want to apologize to her in person...... I respect her as a person.. and fellow human being and what is is.....
My entire life, I have been subject to gossip.... been the brunt of many nasty things being said about me... and with POWE, people feel they have the right to say mean things, pass judgement on me and gossip about me..... You know, growing up I hung around with a group of friends that were the original mean girls..... even as young as we were we did things to each other that were not nice....
I remember a time at 14 years old when my grandmother took me on a trip to Florida.... my so called nasty mean girl friends decided that I was lying about it.... so 3 of them came to my house.... 2 kept my mother busy while the other one lied saying that a pair of her jeans were in my room... stole my diary and read it to the entire planet.... oh yes they did....
Another time the same girls totally desecrated the last doll that my grandmother ever gave me... I had just received it for Christmas and it was a big deal to me, my family and my grandmother... it was a symbol of me growing up..... and they took that doll and cut her hair and then with permanent marker they coloured all over the doll.... including her dress... this was funny to them... hilarious in fact and years later - one of the last times we were together they were laughing about it.... it struck me at that moment that these girls have never grown up and I never really belonged with them then nor do I now......
Lessons, they come in all packages...... in childhood friendships that never really were..... even at young ages we are given gifts, struggles and lessons..... are they really that much different in adulthood... or are they just the same brick to the head over and over again that we didn't learn from childhood?????? I believe they can be both....
The beauty of being an adult is having the ability to stand up, do the right thing, own our mistakes, take the consequences, apologize and learn the lesson..... I know that what we say and do is a total reflection of ourselves and how we at that moment feel about ourselves.... I am proud to say that I lived through that horrible time... and after the past 4 months of hell (that was worse then any other time in my life) that I am stronger and a much better person for it all......
No comments:
Post a Comment